Best trips: 

Yanaka with Wan,

Kawagoe with Joseph

Chiba (Goi, Kouhuudai) with Joseph

Mount Takao with Chunwee&Weekian

completely exhausted, but so eventful. I'm getting used to travelling with people, and it's great talking to the locals. 

Sometimes i feel my anxiety is crippling. Sometimes i feel i can be so much more capable without it, and i shouldn't have been afraid of so much as a kid. i am better at many things than i think, but the past.. perhaps 17 years of results (not just academic, but in music etc) made me believe that i simply am not adequate. i just want to be better, have all this tension leave my body, and do things proper. For once.

The trip makes me worry, as much as I am really looking forward to it. I really hope I will learn to worry less. Last night I felt this deep insecurity consuming me, of needing to hug someone, to be assured that I am not alone in this world, that I will not lose the ones I love. I distance myself from people just to make sure I won't fall rock-bottom when i lose them. This is not rational but the emotions are real. These thoughts make me feel like a kid. To grow up is to get rid of this anxiety.

always look beyond yourself

Take initiative (if you want it)

Distant

calm

do i live in the future

i am too tired to properly talk to anyone. there are so many things i have to do, and i don't even allow myself the time to watch a film. paprika, the one they recommended. instead, i sit here and procrastinate because i really am tired. i worry about so many things every waking moment.

i have been worried about the issue of money (so so much), of planning the route for my japan trip. i need to study for my psychology test. i need to do my squats and calf raises and sit ups and planks and push ups and HIITs, but i fail to do them daily. i'm so tired that i don't feel like meeting or talking to anyone for the next week, even though i kind of do fine when i'm with them. everything sets in when i sink in, uncomfortably, into the chair.

i haven't been playing music, or listening to music. i haven't been doing anything i like. i've been working towards achieving goals, and when these numerous goals pile up into a mountain, the joy gets sucked out.

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I don't think people can tell. A customer I was serving thanked me for my very friendly service and talked to me afterwards. He asked me to never 'lose that streak in (me)'. Me? Outgoing? Nah. I just want to curl up on my bed and FINISH PLANNING FOR THE TRIP AND GET TO STUDYING. FOR REAL.

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and this is my life right now: doing things that will be good for me.

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pardon my rants.